---ONCE UPON A TIME IN ONLINE RETAIL LAND (shortened for dramatic effect)--
2AQ: I need to return this quite expensive item which has broken for the second time in the same place
CUSTOMER SERVICE (CS): Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are currently receiving a high volume of emails. Here's all the things you can do which don't involve us xxxxxxxxx. Someone will get back to you shortly.
CS: Can you please send us your order number so we can confirm the item?
2AQ:(outloud to self) EH? You have it in my account - you can see the item I bought, then returned, then the re-purchased, USE YOUR EYES. *Digs through millions of emails grumbling*
CS: Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are currently receiving a high volume of emails. Here's all the things you can do which don't involve us xxxxxxxxx. Someone will get back to you shortly
CS: Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are sorry to hear your item is faulty. Please send the item back to us so we can determine if the issue is with a manufacturing fault or is wear and tear.
2AQ: (outloud to self) WEAR AND TEAR! WEAR AND TEAR! I bloomin wish, I've worn them about 3 times!
2AQ: Given it’s the second time this has happened with the same style of boot that suggests it’s a manufacturing fault. I will send back though I am not overly impressed with your response
CS: Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are currently receiving a high volume of emails. Here's all the things you can do which don't involve us xxxxxxxxx. Someone will get back to you shortly
CS: Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are just letting you know someone is dealing with your query. Yada yada yada.
2AQ (One week later): Hi - have you received my return?
CS: Thankyou for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. We are currently receiving a high volume of emails. Here's all the things you can do which don't involve us xxxxxxxxx. Someone will get back to you shortly
CS: Sorry you haven't waited 10 days. Go away. (OK that was more than dramatics -but that's what they meant)
CS: Thankyou for returning your item.
2AQ:Please could you let me know which card this has been refunded to as I can’t remember which one I paid with and it isn’t shown on the email or in my account
CS: Thank you for contacting GENERIC ONLINE RETAILER care. I can confirm that the refund was made to the card used to place the order.
2AQ: *collapses in exhausted heap never to purchase again*
---------THE END ---------
How do you feel about your customer's returns story? Are they the big bad wolf - necessary evil, or as an opportunity to build your brand and your relationship with your customer?
Do you staff say age-old fictions like 'We'll have to make sure it's a manufacturing fault'? Or do you offer a 'no quibble' policy?
Do you sit in a boardroom developing strategies for returns services? Do you know what happens 'on your shopfloor'? How do you know your staff are living your story?
Can you be sure this story isn't about you? Is your returns policy a fairy story?
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